Quick update. I’m not doing well and at the same time I’m doing fantastic given the circumstances.
There is an ongoing court case, so I cannot share any details currently. I’m a victim of violence. I rather call myself “that gal who escaped” instead of “crime victim”, but hey, it works for the courts.
My mental and physical health are recovering. Drawing/painting is hard right now. I’m rusty. My brain is mushy and my hands don’t remember how to hold a pencil.
The worst is the mental battle. The following emotions are nicking my productivity:
-Stress. It’s hard to focus.
-Guilt. Guilt for axing a project because I was in the hospital. Are emotions supposed to make sense?
-Shame. My output is low and the quality even lower.
It has become a catch-22.
It’s about gaining momentum. You need to get the shitty drawings out to get to the good ones. And yet… instead of going through 60 design so I can end up with something decent for my client, I don’t even pick up my pen. I don’t want to confront those 60 bad designs.
This is “external perfectionism”.
It gets extreme. I thought about abandoning my dream career, just so I didn’t have to re-learn my old skills. This is not about drawing or painting. It’s the emotional pain of losing my previous skill level. It’s the hurt pride of stepping back from my favorite projects to focus on easier projects.
It’s all a mental battle now. I do not want to accept my regression in skill and productivity, but avoiding the confrontation extends the battle. The exact same shows up in my physical therapy. Going for a 5-mile run against doctor’s orders? I’m up for that. Small exercises that will help me walk pain-free in the future? No thanks.
It’s just ego. I don’t want to suck.
But dreaming about being great doesn’t get you there. You gotta draw.