Quick update. I’m not doing well and at the same time I’m doing fantastic given the circumstances.
There is an ongoing court case, so I cannot share any details currently. I’m a victim of violence. I rather call myself “that gal who escaped” instead of “crime victim”, but hey, it works for the courts.
My mental and physical health are recovering. Drawing/painting is hard right now. I’m rusty. My brain is mushy and my hands don’t remember how to hold a pencil.
The worst is the mental battle. The following emotions are nicking my productivity:
-Stress. It’s hard to focus.
-Guilt. Guilt for axing a project because I was in the hospital. Are emotions supposed to make sense?
-Shame. My output is low and the quality even lower.
It has become a catch-22.
It’s about gaining momentum. You need to get the shitty drawings out to get to the good ones. And yet… instead of going through 60 design so I can end up with something decent for my client, I don’t even pick up my pen. I don’t want to confront those 60 bad designs.
This is “external perfectionism”.
It gets extreme. I thought about abandoning my dream career, just so I didn’t have to re-learn my old skills. This is not about drawing or painting. It’s the emotional pain of losing my previous skill level. It’s the hurt pride of stepping back from my favorite projects to focus on easier projects.
It’s all a mental battle now. I do not want to accept my regression in skill and productivity, but avoiding the confrontation extends the battle. The exact same shows up in my physical therapy. Going for a 5-mile run against doctor’s orders? I’m up for that. Small exercises that will help me walk pain-free in the future? No thanks.
It’s just ego. I don’t want to suck.
But dreaming about being great doesn’t get you there. You gotta draw.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I was so happy when I saw a notification about a new post from you!
Really sorry to hear about what happened… glad you’re doing better. I will be rooting for you, please don’t give up!
It would be great seeing your progress, if you want to share it of course 🙂
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It makes me feel less discouraged knowing others do struggle with this kind of thought even when they’re doing things they love. I think you are doing the right approach by taking a step back, and it’s not going to hinder your progress in the long run.
Some years ago I was raped and I functionally lost the ability to read.
I know, it sounds ridiculous. I was 18 and was physically okay and survived fine and was a first generation college student working towards my dream of majoring in literature with the far away goal of becoming a professor and then I was assaulted and it all unraveled for me. I couldn’t sit with a page. I couldn’t hear a voice in my head reading words. My brain couldn’t keep sentences in the right order, I would start with line one and my eyes would fly down to line 4, move back to 3, down to 7. It was horrific, it was like my favorite part of myself and my future self (the future where I became a literature professor) was taken away from me.
All this is to say that I am not sure what happened, but I am in solidarity with you. This post is important and impactful. I am now on my way to a Ph.D. program in literature. It took years, patience, and many friends who had gone through similar bad experiences and learned to be with themselves in new, slow, generative ways. I hope this isn’t too presumptuous, but it gets better. Thank you for your site and your thoughts.
Some years ago I was raped and I functionally lost the ability to read.
I know, it sounds ridiculous. I was 18 and was physically okay and survived fine and was a first generation college student working towards my dream of majoring in literature with the far away goal of becoming a professor and then I was assaulted and it all unraveled for me. I couldn’t sit with a page. I couldn’t hear a voice in my head reading words. My brain couldn’t keep sentences in the right order, I would start with line one and my eyes would fly down to line 4, move back to 3, down to 7. It was horrific, it was like my favorite part of myself and my future self (the future where I became a literature professor) was taken away from me.
All this is to say that I am not sure what happened, but I am in solidarity with you. This post is important and impactful. I am now on my way to a Ph.D. program in literature. It took years, patience, and many friends who had gone through similar bad experiences and learned to be with themselves in new, slow, generative ways. I hope this isn’t too presumptuous, but it gets better. Thank you for your site and your thoughts.
Thank you <3
I can’t tell you how inhuman what happened with you but I can only respect those people who overcome things like you. One of my former colleagues got raped as well. I don’t know you but bless you and the people around who can help and listen. I wish you all the best for your Ph.D and to have a much better life you deserve.
I can relate to aspects of this, just without the horrible events which have come your way. Mine is just in the field of music. The mental conflict of desperately wanting to reach and hold your potential against not wanting to suck is something I really battle with. It’s easy to hide and turn your current problems into future problems, but you’re going to stay miserable until you do. There’s really one solution, and it’s like ripping a band aid. That’s getting it done!
You also can’t beat yourself up for a single thing. All of this internal battle is part of the process to returning to your best self, including all the time spent ‘wasted’. Take your time, build that momentum day by day, and celebrate the small victories. Remember progress is not always a linear, consistent path….You’re still that person, after all, and eventually your drawings will reflect this!
Thank you for such a fantastic blog, and showing me that I don’t need to draw stick figures all my life. All the best with what’s going on.
I found your blog when I was searching about more details about FZD. I can’t imagine based on this post how difficult is for you right now but it would be nice to see your work and read how are you doing. Don’t give up. You can overcome these challenging times. I don’t think you abandoned your dream just taking a break until you figure it out how you can reach it. If someone is an artist, that is a life-time engagement and passion regardless of that you are drawing every day or once in a month.
I wanted to ask when you went to FZD if the Term 1 – Visual Comm and Perpective was made by pen on paper or digitally? But if this is the wrong question or feels insensitive, please, just ignore it. I wouldn’t offend you.
Term 1 was pen and paper for ~1.5 months until the insect drawings. Terms in the year before me had done the full first term of VisCom on pen and paper. I do not know about the terms after my batch.
Thank you very much, Iris! It helps a lot, really appreciate it. I hope things getting a little bit better for you.
Hey, found your blog whilst looking for guidance on how to pick up drawing. Sorry to see that your last post is so sad, but I think, having read some of the comments on your posts, there are a lot of us rooting for you and can’t wait to hear from you.
Be well, be safe, and hope to hear from you soon 😀
hee iris. I came across your blog while looking for information on FZD. By reading all your articles and testing them (no less than 4 hours that I am on -_-) I was able to learn a lot and I could feel all your enthusiasm for our common passion. I intend to enter this school but this dream seems so distant. Thank you for all these tips and hope that everything is better for you
Hey man, how are you doing today?
Found your blog for guidance on how to pick up drawing as well, will do all i can do! Last time i tried a book(where you draw a picasso upside) 2 years ago and I and my ego sucked. Hope I’ll continue this time.
Hope you are fine 🙂
Hi! I’m from France and I was looking somewhere to start drawing…
I found your post on how to start and it gave me hope of doing something I wanted to start for years… You were the only one.
Just to say you gave good advices and I hope you could look back on that and hear yourself then.
I know what’s it’s like when reality disrupt dreams, but you have to know it doesn’t have to knock it down.
I mean you could put it all away for now or for forever, but if it’s the latter, can you try to see yourself when your old, like very old, and imagine what you could regret ?
However it doesn’t mean you can’t shut it out, breathe, discover, re-live.
It’s okay to not know.
I’ll end my comment with this quote that I like from The Good Wife, a legal series, “But…I want to chose… Maybe it’s different for my generation, but I don’t have to prove anything. Or if I have to, I don’t have to.”
Thank you for your post about where to start drawing.
And these posts, really touched me.
Hi Iris, we’ve only talked a little bit, but I want to know that you have support from me. I hope you’re doing alright. I’m not sure how else to get in contact with you so I’ll just say things here. It’s been a while since this last post and I don’t know what you’re up to these days, but I know that you’re so strong and you can make it through these challenges you’re facing. If you ever want to talk, let me know, let’s have a Zoom or something 🙂
Thank you. Still working on getting through it all but your comment is some sweet encouragement.
I’d be happy to connect again. Shoot me an email and I *should* reply within 5 months. 😀
***HUGS*** Iris <3 You are amazing. Keep going and have a rest whenever you need <3
I’d like to thank you for making a blog for sharing your passion for art and help others undertake learning a new skill.
I also wish the times have been kinder on you lately (despite all that has happened both to you personally and potential pandemic implications on top), and that you have come closer to regaining your former skill.
I won’t say it gets easier, as I would have no way to know that. But I will say that I sincerely hope you will be perfectly okay soon, take care of yourself, Iris.
Thank you so much! <3
Still working on it. Slowly but surely... They say "baby steps also get you closer"